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Anarchy just means "anti- heirarchy", IE lack of heirarchy.(be it class, inheritance, government, etc) Whether this is a good political choice is one debate, but certainly plenty of plural groups have found it works better for them 'inside' . Some want *more* anarchy, not less.

Yes, we agree, sorry we meant chaos not anarchy : ) Thanks for the comment we appreciate it!! : )

Criss, This is outstanding! Being a multiple myself, I have had the job of being the "internal caretaker" and overall peacemaker. I'm learning that when I "come out" more and turn the internal running of things over to someone else, not only am I more on top of life on the outside, there is much more cooperation inside, because I no longer come off as "THE boss" or "Miss Busy Body" to those who'd like a say. Also, though we haven't personally had the blessing of this, I've witnessed that in relationships where partners don't fight over the "head of household" role, they have much more harmony in their relationships. This is definitely what I hope is our overall goal as well. Catherine

Hi, Catherine,

Thank you for the comment! I really appreciate it. I just re-read it myself, and like many things I write I had forgotten I wrote it -- and forgotten to put it into the list of Boot Camp steps! OOPS! So that's fixed. I also added a link for the cross-reference to the other post.

Anyway, your comment helps me know that what I have said is valuable and will definitely be included in United Front when I write the book in some form or other.

I don't think we've ever had a single person as "head of household" internally. We've had a triumvirate structure -- way back when, when things were very shaky, like a system of checks and balances. We've also had a weighted democracy, where well-established headmates had a more powerful vote than other junior or more dysfunctional participants in our co-op. Perhaps at the very very beginning we had a head honcho. It wasn't long-lived, as other capable and forceful personalities emerged, so it quickly became more and more democratic.

Perhaps the information above can help you out -- and there's plenty of information on ways to move to a more democratic system on this blog. If your presence inside makes such a difference to how the others feel, it's a wake-up call! I hope they appreciate that you recognize it, because really that's more than just half the battle!

Crisses

Crisses, you are so brilliant! Your writing just amazes me. Such practical, useful information given in an intriguing way. Intercom or holodeck? I choose the vacuum tube : )

Even singlets have multiple voices in their heads so I think your blogs might be helpful to everyone. I decided to follow your suggestion and call a meeting. It felt very good. I have no idea what may result but my sense is that some internal organization will take place that is going to be helpful. Thank you so much for reaching out to the rest of us.

This is great Criss. I think it will be very helpful to both singletons and multiples.

It is a good thing that you are fortunate to have gone to the process to the point when you can be helpful to those that don't understand.

As you know I have worked with, care about, support and loved several multiples for some years and have often been appalled and frustrated with the disbelief, synisism and "mystic" that are expressed by both clinicians and "lay" folks.

I like the way you put it in terms all can understand. I have always understood that it was as "simple" (and yes I know for multiples there's nothing simple about it)as that. So futile for mental health folks to waste so much time trying to "force" multiples to conform to what they can understand.

we are trying to learn to just listen to those we disagree with, and thinking before reacting. spice is helping.

I suppose you mean the drug? I hope you can find another way to do it. But listening and thinking before reacting are very important. We found Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effecting People very helpful for both. Just remember that everything that applies to external relationships also applies to internal relationships � and it will be very helpful to follow any good or proven advice.

Thank you. We are so very very very tired of people expecting us to be "single." We pretended for years, with little help, to be a single in order to be successful in life. And we broke down, as our methods were essentially to bully one another into submission and allow only a couple of us to "run our body." After we developed a vicious autoimmune disease, were 5150'd four times (all of which we of course managed to get out of by convincing the doctors that we were "just tired" or "having a panic attack" etc) - we have realized it's time to stop pretending to be a single, get along, share our lives together, and stop worrying about always acting the same for the people outside our head. We are not single, we have not been single since we were three - and we're tired of hiding. Thank you for coming forward, thank you for giving us a role model and example of peace in multiplicity. We thought we could find that by hiding who we are, even from our husband. It's not possible. Integration is not an option. And we're excited to finally open to being a WE. We look forward to growing as a unit, to educating our two children and family on our multiplicity, and to being an example for the souls we've come across through the years that we know are multiple but either hiding also, or unaware. It's ok to be a WE. There's great power in being a WE, and we intend to learn to work together and live this life in peace. Thank you for helping with that.

Lyza&,

Thank you for the beautiful comment : ) It makes us excited when people get it, need it, hear it, and resonate with it � so thank you so much for sharing. Comments like this let us know we're getting someplace and on the right track.

And you're SO SO welcome. It's been a long road, and we're not stopping to smell the flowers while there's still systems out there fumbling in the dark trying to figure out where the light switch is!!

With all of us being committed political & philosophical anarchists (well one of us doesn't care about political stuff but she's in for the ride), and one of us being an active revolutionaire in real life too, we reacted very negatively to how this page (& podcast episode) uses the word "anarchy", what it thinks anarchy looks like, and general lack of information on how anarchy works.

The silver lining is that this made it very clear for us that our system will work best the way we work best outside of it, i.e. with active dismantling & total rejection of hierarchy (=anarchy). We can't move our body to Chiapas or Rojava but it's a warm thought that we can be prefigurative of complete anarchy in our own identities. (R.)

quengas,

Thank you so much for pointing this out. Much easier to fix on the blog article than the podcast episode � but we agree. We have (since) been more educated and meant "chaos" rather than "anarchy". "Anarchy" is often (myth) conveyed as chaos and chaos mislabeled (not to lisp, but to spoonerism ��mythlabeled) as anarchy.

We will fix it on this page, and we can make a note in the shownotes for the podcast episode.

We don't like heirarchies in internal terms. We do have a group of "elders"? whatever who guide and help make decisions, but who hold no more power than anyone else. We both can't leave governance of our group and choices to the traumaholders who are stuck in the There & Then, nor can we foist responsibility for our life & body onto a select few then wash our hands of it and walk away. We have an extremely active internal system with many workgroups who come back to the whole with ideas and those interested in side projects or subcommittees actively participate � the "elders" look at the big picture, and confer with committees and subcommittees and make sure everything gets coordinated like an orchestra, and everything is on a volunteer basis. This is a trial run as well, fairly new � months � as a branch off of a totally democratic system with a lot more all-hands meetings, so that we can free up resources from large meetings and maybe be able to get more work done in smaller meetings then bring things back to the whole for approvals.

Constantly in experimental mode and taking input from internals and trying/testing things out.

Thank you again, we appreciate the critique!

Crisses

This is a fantastic post. We're currently in the process of learning to reject what people are willing to accept or see as normal in favour of celebrating that we're many in a body (though we don't believe in our case that our multiplicity was caused by trauma). It's not an easy path at times, and this post gave us a lot of strength, thanks.

Wow, this is really amazin'. I feel like I know ya's ... like we're all cousins from two different families. It was a little tricky watchin' the whole with Jackie, Walker, and Mark (I think, maybe Maggs?) jumpin' in front of me like overprotective babysitters regretting lettin' a kid watch a PG movie, but I liked what I saw. I feel like I kinda got to meetcha face to face ... although ya didn't meet me.

Umm ... I'd made a vid like a *long* time ago, but ya only see me (Heather Rose) in it. I know I ain't actin' nine in it, but there's times when I shift back a bit sometimes. Then again, maybe I'm tryin' to over think stuff. So, here's my vid. : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Yug8WUShCg

Hi, Heather Rose (& co),

That's GREAT! Do you know how many times we/Crisses site ventriloquists & puppeteers as potential multis? Take Mr. Rodgers for example. He's not in the Land of Make Believe, he's the voice of all the critters & people there. And Mr. Rodgers' friends are the other live-people actors in the show -- if you watch Lady Aberlin interact with the puppets, she treats them like real people. I'm certain they're Mr. Rodgers' alters.

Shari Lewis is another. She talks to and argues with Lamb Chop in a way that really shows a divider in her head. I'm quite sure of it. That's what you're reminding me of in the video -- interacting with Beatrice.

My first boyfriend had a bunny stuffie he'd move around and "talk for". Again, same thing. That bunny had a personality of its own. His family treated it like it was a member of the family. It would often negotiate on behalf of my boyfriend, too.

Other famous "could-be multis" are Robin Williams and Jim Carrey. Watching Robin play a serious or deadly role is pretty scary -- but when he lets loose he can shift personality right on stage. I'm not sure it's (always) acting. And I heard a rumor that some of Jim's "personalities" are not allowed out at home...his wife banned them. I don't keep up on the lives of stars, so I don't know if it's true or even if he's still married ;)

We have a rule that I (Kat) am the only one who's supposed to drive. Jordan, a defiant teenage boy (below driving age) came out while we were driving and ran a red light. How do you guys enforce rules?

Hi, Kat ^ Travelers,

That sounds like a scary situation! Here's things I recommend:

First, have you read the other entries? There are ways to increase compliance, co-awareness, etc. in the entries in this blog.

Find things you can agree on that are acceptable outlets for him. Like going to a laser tag game, or other treats that he can have (intermittently!) as long as he's being a good citizen. That gives him privileges that can be taken away if he misbehaves. If there's nothing good about him being a good citizen, then he'll find ways to be naughty and defiant.

Figure out what his needs are. We all have different needs. Find ways to address his needs -- does he need to have more control? Does he need to feel better protected? (Funny how teens can act out of control because they actually want to have someone else take more control for them...) Try reading some standard articles on out-of-control teens. You never know, you might find things that help.

Ask him whether he'd like to take more responsibility for himself -- if you can communicate with him in some way.

Offer to teach him how to drive (in a parking lot or somewhere safe) if he becomes a better citizen. Put a firm date on when you will teach him. "On X date not to be rescheduled more than 2 weeks later if we can't make that day." and MAKE SURE you keep the date if he is good. But if he takes over while you're driving and violates the traffic rules, then the deal is off.

Those are some of the ideas I've had. Most internals want to be treated like decent people. They need safety, love, respect, trust, etc. to feed them. If they are missing any of those necessary ingredients they act out -- often in ways directly counter to their needs. If he's a very young teen he may not be ready for responsibilities and finding himself in the drivers' seat (literally) might have scared him as much as it scared you! If he's a mid-teen, he's ready to take SOME responsibilities, but too much will make him feel out-of-control (like mowing the lawn vs. driving the car). If he's an older teen, withholding adult-like responsibilities will drive them nuts and make them act out.

Oh, here's a neat idea: Take a drivers' safety class and invite him to watch "over your shoulder"? He might learn something, and you get a discount on your insurance. Might be a nice "group outing".

Feel free to combine suggestions in any way you'd like, but don't make it complicated or you won't follow-up on it.

Crisses

I don't really know why I felt compelled to jump to this section, other than that I see the forcing of memories to be the only therapy tactic that is known by most. It gets old. I too have spent years, and tons of money, trying to figure out why we're split. What's the point? Isn't it more important to find out how to work with this dx? I couldn't agree more with your take on it! Cathie

Cathie,

Thank you so much for your input. Sometimes we're drawn to what we need. Perhaps you honed in on this because it's what you needed to hear today.

I found archaeological digs into my past expensive and frustrating and always wanted to know more about how to move forward, how to live our dreams, how to get along, how to be "functional" by our own definition of the term, etc. I never minded telling people what we remembered of the past, to give them context for things we'd been through, but it really doesn't bother me that there are things missing -- and anything I've found out about the things that have gone missing only reinforces that perhaps it's best that it stay that way.

Good luck, and please let me know if you need anything. Been thinking about another article -- long overdue....so I might have a new post soon. : )

Crisses

We'd done some digging with the help of a therapist. I'm glad we had her, because it woulda been scarier facin' some of it alone. Eventually, we stopped digging, because some of the stuff we found ... well, there was a good reason it'd been hidden. We still could use help working together better, which is why I'm glad we found the Boot Camp. Thanks so much for makin' it! : )

I agree that if you are going to go poking in memories or prodding those who remember into spilling the beans that you need support. It can be a therapist, a coach, a great friend. In some cases, a friend might even be better: there's no ethical constraints against a friend holding you or stroking your hair if you need to be held.

You're welcome -- this is something we've needed to write for a while, but just like stumbling on something you need to hear/read at the right time, I couldn't write it until the right time for us either : ) So we've been living together by these principles for many years -- we just needed to be in the right place to organize it, put it into words, etc.

Please enjoy, and don't hesitate to ask questions or for clarification! Also, let us know whether something works or doesn't work for you. Blessings on you!

We just had our first official meeting! It prolly coulda gone better, but I think it went okay. I kinda flubbed things when someone who kinda scared me showed up. Dunno how good a greeter I'm gonna be, but I'm gonna keep trying. Thanks so much for writing all this! I think it's really gonna help us. : )

I'm sure you did just fine! Like much of life, full of trial and error -- and the fact that you're trying will mean a lot to everyone (even the scary ones).

The scary ones are usually your best protectors or guardians. They may use methods that aren't optimal for a while, but as communication increases, you can try discussing options with them on how to both protect your system AND help you maintain relationships and goodwill with external folks. But they play a critical role in becoming functional. Most multiples have problems with boundaries -- these are the defenders of your boundaries. When they get ornery, you know that a boundary is being violated, or at least that they think there's a boundary being violated, and you can address whether there's a misperception or not.

I'm realizing that discovering my multiplicity late in life (55)despite some chaos from the realization, I (we) no longer feel as lonely. Like I am never truly alone. Just fyi, I don't have amnesia when switching, so your words in another section about the various types of multiplicity was a balm.

Thank you for letting us know that helped y'all : ) We like knowing that there are folk out there getting something from our work.

In our system, trying to start over actually caused a lot of problems. But that's probably a result of the exact way we tried to approach it, how our system functions, and the alters leading the charge.

For us, our system discovery process was lead by an alter called Connie. Connie is a protector/gatekeeper who normally comes out in times of crisis to control emotions and internal communication. And due to major events about a year ago, nearly every co-host had gone dormant, and Connie (who had been a rare fronter) moved into the fronting room in the inner world and was permanently around.

A big way Connie works is by effectively starting over. This is useful a lot, because it lets us re-approach problems, or figure out solutions we may have been ignoring. But, it also results in throwing out all the progress that existed already. And that's the problem.

Connie was analysing each alter that appeared, for their skills, their personalities, their traits and tendencies. Connie was concerned with trying to rebuild functionality, and focused on finding "useful" alters and highlighting "problematic" alters. Which actually caused a lot of problems.

These alters, the whole system, has been around forever! Every alter has always been playing their part and helping in some way. And by starting over, Connie focused on their flaws in the present, and so couldn't see their contributions from the past.

We have since discovered that Connie has a lot of trust issues with other people. Which as you say, "as inside, so outside (and vice versa)". And working on this has helped a lot. (And we probably still have a long way to go too, so gonna look at your series on building trust.)

Anyway, yeah. So maybe, to make this vent/rant into some feedback for this... We think it might be good to highlight here, in the starting over process, a need to work on trust. To practice gratitude and appreciation for the things our headmates have already done, and are still doing, to keep the body and system going. That they care for the body as much as we do, and we can trust them because of that (body age is 31, so there's a lot of positive history to draw from). I think if we had been doing that from the beginning, it may have helped jump start a lot of our process.

(Wanna say as well, therapist has always praised our functioning as a system, so we must be doing something right. And it feels so validating reading so much of this site and realising how many strategies and techniques we'd already been using, that we had discovered ourselves or picked up from other systems.)

Hi, Jellie System,

Thank you for the important feedback! Yes, the system trust issues New stuff will be more useful for a system with some "miles" behind them as opposed to the total reboot that we write about in this exercise. We wrote this series of blog posts for folk who are either brand spanking new to their DID, or for folk who are at odds (minimum) or war (worst) in their system ��not necessarily for folk who have already been hard at work on their system.

So, in some ways it's possible Connie has breached trust (it's for y'all to work on it, y'all don't have to harp on it). A lack of compassion or hindsight is a definite issue going into this exercise.

We'll point out that folk can replace this exercise with the System Trust Issues series. It's a good idea. Thank y'all : )

Great article Cris!

Thank you!!

Wow! That was well written and very motivating! I don't think I could've said it better, if I tried!

Thank you everyone! Just recorded this as a podcast episode. Looking forward to sharing it!

This info about parenting young parts is overall really valuable, but could you maybe use a different and less triggering metaphor other than sugary food? Many systems (including my wife's, who is going to be reading this) have eating disorders, many are fat and have been fat shamed or food shamed their entire lives, and the whole concept of "healthy" or "unhealthy" foods is medically false and comes from capitalist and ableist diet-culture whose only job is to make us spend more money on their products.

Of course you have the right to eat or not eat whatever you want, and this guide uses examples from your life and so it's relevant to that...but your post talks about food as if its assumed we all agree that some foods are healthy or unhealthy for all of us, that keeping sugary snacks out of the house is a healthy thing to do, etc. and the "consequences" of not doing so are implied.

Like, if you a stranger saw my fat ass eating gummy bears by the handful you'd probably assumed they were unhealthy for me, but if you actually knew me you'd know that when I do that it's because I have dangerously low blood sugar from being on insulin, and it's keeping me from passing out and dying. So they actually are health-giving for me to eat when I need them.

That's what I mean when I say food is value neutral and individual. Also mental health is a form of health, and sometimes pleasure and preference are good enough reasons to eat something. Esp if one of your primary trauma's involved others controlling what and when you ate.

So at the very least maybe you could add a disclaimer in the text that mentions these issues, and specifies this is just what's right for *your* body and no one else's, that food is value-neutral and bodies are individuals, etc?

I realize this guide isn't designed to avoid all triggers, of course, but I just think this isn't a necessary one. Thanks for listening.

Lauren,

Thank you so much for the critique. We made some revisions, more clearly gave content warnings and the option to read below the line on the page where it skips the preamble story and hopefully is less triggering on these issues from there.

Please let us know if you see anything else that might need fixing. We have nudged some of the boot camp articles that were "too dated" -- there is a complete rewrite of this blog plus more content in the United Front books � still in progress.

Anyway, happy to hear that this is helpful content, and to help make it less troublesome. Please take good care of yourself & your wife : )

okay so I don't actually have any comment on the really good and valuable points you're making, but--just saying, ice cream definitely IS a right by my system's standards, lmao.("go have some ice cream" is literally the first step in our crisis plan, in fact!) (this isn't a complaint, I just had to remark on it because I think it's funny)

Thank you!

hi, my name is b. I�m an alter in a DID system. Many in our system like your website an find it helpful. I do to. So I�m kinda nervous about commenting. But I jest wanna say, I�m non-binary an asexual. In our system we have many genders an many sexualities. Cause ther are more than just male or female, more than just homo or hetero. An this has caused some conflict within an fear, but we have mostly lived peacefully inside knowing we were different. I wish more outside people could understand that there are more than two genders an more than 2 or 3 sexualities. There are more than 2 sexes too an gender and sex are different. Thanks for listening. An thanks for your helpful website. Sincerely, b.

Hi, B!!

Thank you SO MUCH for your comment. : )

Yes, we're certainly non-binary (and several impossible to gender folk in our system�like 6arms who is a "catalyst-gender" of its species) and we're not homo- or heterosexual ourselves, many of us are pansexual.

I'm going to tag this article and re-read it and see if there's ways I can get the point across better.

Much appreciated!! Crisses

Well, this is out of date now. We have made very major renovations to our internal landscape, which may be mentioned on other pages on this site, on social media, and extensively in our books and newer United Front materials.

We've decided not to edit this page for now since it was our truth and experience when we wrote it.

Wow...this is a great blog! Not sure 'zactly how we'd be able to work it out in our system, but it does feel like somethin' we could do. Thanks so much for sharin' this. : )

Hi, Heather Rose,

Thank you for the great comment! : ) If you check out the "Boot Camp" link in the main navigation, and check out the boot camp itself there's blog articles related to self-work that could be helpful for you. It's all about taking care of each other and becoming a great community inside. You don't have to agree on everything or become one person to get along and be productive.

You're quite welcome, and good luck!

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