See also Soulbonds & Codependency especially for an otherkin &/or spiritual perspective on the topic.
Codependency refers to a pattern of behaviors in which a person becomes excessively preoccupied with another person's needs, often to the detriment of their own. It's associated with the fawning panic reaction, and also often has components of carried shame involved.
All kinds of relationships are potentially subject to issues of codependency, including romantic, polyamorous, familial and platonic. Codependent relationships can be especially damaging for plural and DID systems, as we have already been chronically disempowered and controlled in our life. When we are codependent on others, we are actively handing them our power & control, abandoning our autonomy, and putting ourselves into a servile position in a way that can undermine our own health.
There's a difference between codependence and dependence (such as a child being dependent on caregivers) or assistance given by a partner or family member due to a disability. For example, a partner taking your wheelchair out for you to transfer from car to wheelchair is not codependency. However, a partner withholding assistance with transfer as emotional blackmail is abuse, and if you're with an abuser, the relationship may very well also be codependent.
So please adjust everything said below for the particulars of your situation, but without making excuses for toxic behaviors, emotional blackmail, manipulative behaviors, etc.
This is a complex topic, so let's touch on what codependency looks like in general as well as in plurals and DID systems, the effects it can have on individual system members, and how systems can identify and address codependency.
Codependent behaviors often go unrecognized — there are cultural expectations for being kind to partners, giving them nice gifts, and thinking of them when they're not there. So when is it being loving and nice versus being codependent?
Codependent relationships are commonly recognized in the addiction & recovery field — one person has a substance use disorder that's out of control, and the people around them find themselves anticipating the needs and moods of the addict. They avoid certain topics, tip-toe around the person, they may prepare in advance for good and bad moments, obsess about how to placate the addict, and self-edit or constrict their own behavior and needs so as to not upset the addict.
This is not limited to addiction scenarios. Any person who is emotionally disregulated can trigger the fawning behaviors of those around them. Thus folks with DID may find that they've caused their own partners (whether singular or plural) to fall into codependent patterns.
One way to spot issues around codependence is to look at the power & control of a relationship. If there's an imbalance, such as one partner relying on another for emotional and physical well-being, then that relationship may be at risk. Or when keeping one partner from getting upset or angry becomes a focal point in one's behavior.
Codependent relationships can look different in different situations. A codependent person may be:
In any case, codependent relationships can be damaging for all parties involved. The codependent person often loses or sidelines their sense of identity and self-worth as they become overly dependent on their partner for their happiness. On the other hand, a partner may take advantage of the codependent person's need for them, and — by taking advantage of the power & control imbalance — become abusive in the relationship.
It's important to seek help if you are in a codependent relationship as it can be emotionally draining and damaging to all parties, so it is important to take steps to make sure that all partners are respected and supported.
Due to both emotional dysregulation issues, attachment difficulties, and fawning behaviors, codependent relationships are common in the plural and DID community. This can manifest internally or externally — for example one individual in a plural system can take on the burden of all the responsibilities in the system, or bend over backwards to keep from triggering volatile headmates — or one system member can exert excessive control over or manipulate the other system members.
These types of relationships can be difficult to identify, as they can pass as normal behavior to the external world, or be mistaken for "supportive" behavior. It is important for individuals in plural and DID systems to be aware of the signs of codependency so that they can recognize it if it arises in their own relationships.
Common warning signs of codependent relationships include: one person taking on too much responsibility for the system; one person dominating conversations and decisions; one person becoming overly dependent on the other; one person feeling obligated to help or care for the other; one person feeling resentful or taken advantage of; or one person feeling like they have to put the other’s needs before their own.
Note that this doesn't apply to many system kids who actually are dependent on caregivers in the system. See our re-parenting materials for more information. What's an important difference is where caring for someone is fostering their growth rather than suffocating and stifling it.
Codependent relationships can exacerbate trauma for the individuals involved and can hold the system as a whole back from growth & recovery. It is important for members of the plural and DID communities to be aware of the risks of codependency and to urge community members to seek help if they feel like they are in an unhealthy relationship.
There are a lot of complicating factors that go into creating codependency in relationships, and some of these factors can make it extraordinarily difficult (but not impossible) to dig out of these issues and maintain the relationship at the same time.
If all parties are aware that there's a problem, and sincerely want to work on them while preserving the relationship, there is hope. It's important to be vigilant and learn to take turns leaning on each other, so that over a wide view there's balance in a relationship. We all have moments where we need help, stumble, fall, get triggered, etc. It's when the pattern doesn't stop, when there's no return to balance and equilibrium, that there's an issue.
Even if you choose to end a codependent relationship, you might bring this pattern or proclivity to future relationships, so it's important to recognize that you have a problem, and work on shame, self-esteem, self-care, boundaries, etc. so that you bring a healthier you to future relationships rather than falling back into old patterns.
On a very related note…
Another complication for plural & DID systems is idolization of people or notable community members. Whether it's the founder of a specific group or community, a YouTube or TikTok presenter, a Hollywood celebrity, a therapist, or really anyone else.
We do need good "role models" because we likely had really lousy role models as children. Where this approaches the topic of codependency is when a person isn't merely selecting a person as a model of an ideal, but becoming a "fan" and subsuming their own needs, identity, personality, self-worth, etc. in favor of their idol, and confusing parts of their own identity with their experiences of their idolized person's identity.
Role models aren't meant to be perfect people. There are no perfect people. And that's the problem. Folks in the community end up investing too much of themselves in idols, and when notable people in the community encourage raving fans it's a problem on both ends of the equation.
Having been neglected, unloved, abandoned, it's understandable that someone may have a need for adoration.
Thus both the fan and the idol can have issues of a sense of lack and a need to fill, and potentially broken boundaries between them. It becomes a toxic energy exchange between the adorers and the adored. As both ends are flawed people, the chances that these relationships end tragically is very real.
The adored, raised up on their pedestal, has enormous performance pressure. They “don't want to let their fans down” and jump through hoops in an attempt to appear perfect. They mask tightly. They're anxious about their image. They cannot be authentic. Where there are adorers there are critics, and rumors, and trolls. Scrutiny.
Some of these toxic relationships end with the cherished falling from grace, the fans devastated or crushed, much hand-wringing and lamenting the fallen hero, lots of news or posts about it, and the fallen party is disgraced. Fallen idols are at risk of any of a number of shame-related issues (addiction, self-harm, depression, etc.)
If we go back to “role model” and re-assess what a role-model is and what a healthy role model can be we may be able to address this situation.
A role model is not meant to be placed on a pedestal, this relationship doesn't need or require adoration, nor editing, substituting, or copying an identity from someone else. The model is for inspiration not worship, copying is meant to be a few strengths, not hanging on the person's actions or investing one's self-esteem in their life.
We are each individually responsible to bring our most whole self possible to our relationships, including those who have traits we may admire and wish to emulate. We cannot fill our deficits with another's life & successes.
We have everything we need between our ears. We may need to learn how to use it. We may need to heal. Hanging our hopes, dreams, sense of worth, etc. on someone else is dangerous for both. They (idols) feel responsible for you (fans) & cannot care as well for themself. Their belongingness being constantly under threat, they're subjected to extraordinary shame-triggers.
So if you want to do yourself/ves a favor, and do the people y'all admire a favor, consider your connections. Whose words do you hang on? Who do you need to hear from? Whose experiences have a hold over your moods & how you feel?
It doesn't need to be anyone famous. They may not be aware that you've attached to them. There are ways to disentangle from them safely, and fill your own broken and empty places without needing others to fill them for you.
Healing your own self, you bring more of you (each individually in your system, and your& system as a whole) to all your relationships without leaning on others in a toxic way — so when they stumble, you do not fall. You might be strong enough to help steady them. And that's a much healthier relationship: taking turns supporting each other.
Singular or plural, individuals who need more information on how to heal from these types of issues, please see Emotional Fragment Recovery.
Please take really good care of yourselves.