Nobody is Perfect
It's Okay to "mess up"!
Everyone messes up sometimes. Often multiples are put in the positions of having to be paragons of stability, functioning, and judgement. They are expected to be so 24-7, else they be branded non-functional multiples. This is an unfair, and arguably impossible standard. Nobody is always stable, or together. Nobody always makes the right choices in life. Nobody.
Everyone makes mistakes. It's all in how the person handles it when they have.
These are the things that give us "character".
Working through the mistake
Well, for starters, try not to be too hard on yourself about it. This isn't always easy however. Berating yourself won't help you. However societal programming runs deep, so you may find yourself having trouble not doing so. If that happens, remind yourself that although you made a mistake, you are working on the situation, and work on it. Focus on working on the mistake, and it's repercussions, not on the fact that you made the mistake, nor on the idea of fixing the situation -- that's another trap people fall into.
Depending on the circumstance, you may need some time taking a break from the problem. Some situations may not allow for that, or in large enough quantities. In those cases, when you can, try to take a moment to relax, even if only for a couple of seconds. Take a deep breath, count to 10, think of your favorite color, whathaveyou.
--Arashi (w/ assist)
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Comments:
You're absolutely right! If we wrote this entry today it would be pretty different and certainly would mention some of the things y'all touched on and weave in to the article on Shame New.
It's also impossible to be perfect, so when we hold ourselves to impossible standards (perfectionism) there's generally one way for it to turn out. Or maybe we think we did a pretty good job, give ourselves an opportunity to eke out a little pride in our results or the effort put into something -- and then are crushed if we get any criticism whatsoever, even if it's meant to be constructive.
We appreciate the input!! : )
We'd like to add that, for folks who feel a need to be perfect/the best in order to keep themselves safe, affirming that you can be imperfect and still be safe, loved, and cared for is important. Giving headmates who are "strong/competent/functional" opportunities to not be those things—to be soft, vulnerable, messy—while still being safe, loved, and cared for is important, too.
Perhaps getting off topic, but: Feelings of inadequacy can cause headmates to lash out in an attempt to keep themselves safe, and then dig themselves deeper into the hole when the shame of lashing out (and possibly hurting people internally and/or externally) hits. Affirming that they're still cared about/loved/otherwise safe can stop the lashing out. (Admittedly, this can be hard to do—particularly when boundary and emotional regulation issues interfere—but it does work. At the end of the day, the lashing out is the result of pent-up panic, not actual malice.)