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Criss-isms, CrissOpins and Warning Labels

Warning: this is pretty racy. If you're not mature, you probably don't want to be reading this. You get to judge how mature you are. If you're a closed minded prude, you probably just ought to lump yourself in the "immature" category, and press "BACK" on your browser, and save us the trouble of a fight ;)


These are Criss-isms: some of the sayings & other strange things I've coined...some are applicable to many people, some only to me:

Latest: You do what you can. And sometimes when that falls through, you do what you can't. - 2010

oldest: "Mommy (alternately: Daddy), why do people drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway?" (I had forgotten that I started saying that at the tender age of 10 or so....)

"At least if I speak my mind I can sleep at night. Might be alone, but at least I sleep. :)" - 2000

"Eliminate the Faggots: Commit Suicide!" appx 4/30/85, and DAMN that's nasty! It could be a really nasty bumpersticker, but I suggest you use it with caution in the bible belt :) heh No one said I was a NICE teenager! nor wise :)

"It takes a lot of shit to fertilize a seed of change."

"I'm bi, not contagious!"

"I don't have a closet, even my CLOTHES are out!" (I'd moved into an apartment with no(!) closets...)

"Even rulers aren't straight!" (I'll put the whole t-shirt idea online at some point)

"Love is free, but you can pay for sex! USE A CONDOM/DAM!"

"Mother Earth wears red lipstick!" (you'd have to see the tee-shirt that goes along with the saying to totally understand...but it goes right along with my gypsy-dance teacher's saying that in order to dance like a gypsy she HAD to wear red lipstick!)

"You're out of my mind!" "I'm out of your mind..."

"I'll be with you shortly..." "Hey!! Who are you calling 'Shorty'!?" (I blame this one on sleep dep and an atm machine with an attitude problem--I swear!)

"I'm too much of a woman for most men to handle, too many women for the rest!" (and the ones that can handle a body full of women probably can't handle the men that come with the package too lol....)

"You can't sit on your feelings...your heart's in your chest, not on your chair." 1999 and definitely Torry.


The phrase "CrissOpinTM" really is meant to say "look man, this is ONLY MY OPINION, and there's no reason to get all bent about it...I'm not saying any of this is true, it's just what's on my mind. So get a chill!" -- Not all CrissOpins are about assholes...just these are the ones on my site, most other CrissOpins are the types of things that can only be appreciated due to context.

This is where my Brooklyn-born&bred really shows through. lol. A good chunk of this right now is desensitization on the term Asshole. lol....yes, that's really at the root of it all...because people really look rather unkindly at assholes...they do! Honest! I mean, it's one of the cleanest derogatory comments one can make in the english language, but with the venom people use when they say it, and the emotional anger and stuff that normally goes with it, you'd think it were one of the worst. Once we realize just how many assholes there are out there, and how likely we all are to *be* one every now and then, maybe we'll stop thinking of assholes so poorly.

So--these are my own personal corrolations to the old saying "Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got em!" :)

The Asshole Theory I: the example herein is "Otherkin" but it works for ANY subculture/race/etc. except that saying that makes it a generalization, which perforce is untrue, but so is this generalization....

Assholes are assholes. More Otherkin does not necessarily increase the number of assholes currently in residence on the planet. It just gives some of them an additional label. There are assholes who do magick, assholes who think they're cleaning up Mommy E. Assholes are a law of the universe, in every color, race, religion, planet, species, orientation, gender, etc. we've all got em. More Otherkin does not mean more assholes. It just means more Otherkin Assholes...but the proportion of assholes on the planet (and possibly amongst Otherkin) will remain the same. There's only one way to get rid of assholes. Tolerance and education and TONS of patience. When that doesn't work, you put on a pot of coffee and hope they wake up and smell it.

Asshole Corollary: Every individual is an asshole some variable percentage of time. Even me. So at any given moment, I might be one of the assholes in Asshole Theory I. Or maybe it's your turn.... Some people are only assholes 5% of the time, some are assholes 95% of the time. Somehow in the end it still ends up being the same asshole demographics in Asshole Theory I.

Assholes II: Don't think you're better than anyone else, because then we'll lump you in a with all the *other* assholes who think they're better than anyone else.

I'll add more when I remember them...these are all that come to mind right now.

Warning Labels

Life isn't easy...and meeting the right person is really hard. Usually you start dating them with no idea of what their faults (or good points) are. Thus I've decided that everyone should come with Warning Labels...the following are examples of how common, every day, signs and labels could be applied to people instead.

I'll start with me:

  • "Men" at work!
  • Some assembly required.
  • Caution: Read all instructions carefully before attempting to operate.
  • Do not leave unattended.
  • Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
  • Some settling of contents may occur during shipping.
  • Caution: Hot!
  • Your mileage may vary.
  • This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons...
  • do not use if button is not USE.
  • No commercial traffic
  • # Players: 2+
  • Long Term Parking
  • No Smoking
  • Danger: Unauthorized Persons Keep Out
  • Self Serve Island

And for others:

slow moving vehicle.
Most women
vehicle makes sharp turns and sudden stops.
Homer Simpson, Fred Flintstone, Ralph Cramden, type A personalities
contents under pressure.
Qualified applicants only need apply
frigid or monogamous?
Do not use near open flame.
Into pederasty *&* incest
Under 17 not admitted without parent.
Avoid exposure to sunlight.
some women
Slippery when wet.
Wicked Witch
Do not immerse in water.


See Also