Part 1 of 2 capstone episodes on System Trust Issues. Click for the second episode: Building Trust. New
What are the common issues that systems experience that erode trust? What do you need to change so that you and your headmates can get along better? What might you be doing that sabotages system trust? Topics include: You are probably not "the good guy" (and there is no "bad guy" cf episode 009), Sharing your life, Desire to integrate too soon, Words and names matter, Coercive language and behavior, Internal safety, The company you keep.
Content warning: Cutting and self-harm mentioned.
Trigger warning: Please don't listen while driving and perhaps listen with a good friend and as usual listening could always trigger something for you. It's always possible others in your head are interested, so a little tip: Listen with the intent for everyone in your system to be able to hear it too: put it on an internal loudspeaker, so that they don't need to front to hear.
Links:
- Episode Transcript New
- System Trust Issues New foundation concepts
- United Front: Names Can Hurt (022) New - more about the damage caused by names & labels
- United Front Boot Camp (blog) http://thecrissinglink.com/Main/BootCamp
- The Crissing Link Series (books) http://thecrissinglink.com/Main/Books
- United Front (the book) http://thecrissinglink.com/Main/UnitedFront
- United Front (ebook, in progress) http://leanpub.com/unitedfront
The contents of this podcast are meant for informational purposes only. This podcast is meant only for adults, and listener discretion is strongly advised. By no means are the contents of this podcast series intended to diagnose any illness or replace the treatment or therapy of persons in need. Please seek professional assistance if you are in distress in any way.
Music and intro vocals by The Crisses, created in Garageband. All contents © Criss Ittermann. Permission to share. And share again.
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This episode was a much needed wake up call. I'm a manager/protector in our system and was developing a "good guy" complex about it. I was thinking a lot about the 8 panic responses, but couldn't figure out how they all clicked together for us because no one in the system is actively "hostile" and I've never tried to consciously lock anybody down. We have a group of co-aware people who want to collaborate, and I'm constantly reaching out and trying to help others when I can tell they're in distress! Why is no one biting? Why does no one trust each other? Why won't anyone talk to me?!
Well, now I realize with the language I use I'm putting myself as an authority just because I happen to front more often and do some things better than they can. My panic response is closest to facilitate, though maybe not as well-composed. I can get a bit obsessive about fixing a problem and will gather as much information as possible about it, and I get uneasy (panicked) when I can feel I don't have all the information about an issue.
So, combine that with me putting myself in this "fixer-upper" role, and me trying to reach out to other headmates that engage in problematic behavior just sounds like: "Hey! Come here and tell me all your weaknesses so I can control and eliminate you!" Understandably, whoever hears this runs & hides!
I'm not trying to punish anybody. I truly want go get along, and come up with solutions as a team. But approaching people from this unearned leadership position makes well-meaning approaches feel just as dangerous and coercive as locking someone up. I need to commit to approaching my headmates like we're equals and not talk about myself like I'm more important than they are.
Every episode of this System Trust Issues series has been immensely helpful. I almost thought about skipping it but I'm glad I didn't. It's helped me catch so many of my blind spots. Thank you for this incredible resource!