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Soulbonds & Codependency

Content warning: this article is NOT referring to the most recent definition of "Soulbonds" as a type of plural system member. This is about the similarity between being "soulmates" and issues in codependency. Codependent relationships are unhealthy relationships even though the members may not be deliberate abusers. This article is exploring the similarities between what some communities call "soulmates" or having "soulbonds" with other people and what the recovery community calls "codependency." Some of the things talked about in this article can be done deliberately, non-consensually, and with ill-intent. In that case you may want to refer to our article on Gaslighting New in addition or instead.

article needs updating and review/modernization.

Quoth Rialian
Now, I believe Crisses has actually given an opening to turn this into a very interesting thread....Relationships. We hear a lot about co-dependency and such. I would like to throw in another varible: "Soul-Bonds". Can these bonds be co-dependent, or the Label/Identification of a relationship this way lead to the development/continuation of an unhealthy relationship?

You know, every time I try to bring that up, I find myself face-down looking at a basket and wooden slats, and I can barely see in my perepheral vision the shadow of the guillitine off to my right...

It seems that the majority of persons who experience soul bonds are not willing to explore that idea. I do try. Over and over, to find the right way to suggest it so that we can at least have an intelligent conversation about it... hasn't worked yet.

I think one of the better responses I got was something about not trying to overanalyze everything given modern pop-psychology terms. lol. I believe that might even have been on ElfHelp, which is frankly a list all about the modern self-help movement, so it's silly to say something like that to me there :) ;) why be on the list if you don't like the terms?

The thing about such relationships is that when I read a book about codependancy I get the chance to say to myself Self, a lot of this sounds like soulbonds. In fact, some celebrety otherkin "soulbonded pairs" have broken apart due to abusive relationships--CLEARLY abusive relationships.

I think it's a warning worth heeding -- swearing up and down that this is really IT, the one true bonded partner of your entire life, the one you shared 10,000,000,000 lifetimes with before, doesn't a healthy non-dysfunctional relationship make. Period. I carry that conviction into my own relationships, even soulbonded relationships, so you don't gotta wag your finger/s at me and tell me how I have no idea what I'm talking about. I do, first hand.

As modern thought on soulpartners has it, one feels this *obligation* to put up with this partner's faults and stay with them regardless of compatability or behavior...or even the sense of obligation to be in a relationship simply because you are bound to them in the first place! This sense of obligation is erroneous. Believe it or not, one partner will not die without the other, and indeed you can part ways, or be friends, or be enemies, and you'll live. If living without them is too uncomfortable, it's a sure sign that there's something wrong...maybe the person has a piece of your essence that maybe you foisted on them, or they've taken but they're not entitled to...try soul retrieval :) [Edit 2022: see also Emotional Fragment Recovery New for a DIY method of healing your own lost essence without trained intervention]

One should not base a relationship on memories, or the sense of overriding spiritual obligation, or because whatever deities told you so, or whatever it is that's going on. Relationships are about building trust and love and faith in another person (all relationships -- friendship, lovers, whatever). And if the relationship is in the here-and-now, it's about building a relationship in the here-and-now not resurrecting an old one.

Whatever broke the relationship from the memories/past, be it the death of one or both partners, betrayal by someone in the relationship, or whatever, has probably damaged one or both partners. Time has passed, whether or not it is subjective. There are new experiences before finding this person again, presumably. New baggage. New bad or good habits. Perhaps they had another set of parents this time around, maybe they didn't recover the memories for many years, or were lonely or lost for a long time, etc. All of these things are going to change your soulbonded. They are a stranger, except perhaps they feel something or remember something, that you do. But they're a different person now, the time between knowing each other and having that Cinderella&PrinceCharming perfect relationship and now may have made you incompatable, no matter how much you believe you can't live without them. Anything may have happened, and a great deal of their personality may have altered...

In fact, in some ways finding a soulbonded is so much more dangerous than starting a new relationship, if nothing else than because we have different boundaries for these people -- they're way ahead of any contemporary suitor. We rush them past our external and internal guardians, and our good sensibilities, and when some of our boundaries scream in anguish, we start chanting "Do not pass Go, do not collect $200!" and somewhere in this headrush of feelings and "Oh gods, it's YOU!" we forget that it's not really's YOU + newbirth(?) + newlife + newmemories + newpain + newbaggage. And if you think none of those things will have an impression on you, I must tell you what Elvair has said a billion times: That which thou most loudly decry is also that which thou most deeply and dearly covets. ie: the more past-life'ocentric, the more anti-this-world, the more find-me-the-next-gate-out, the more I'm-exactly-the-same-as-I-used-to-be, the more likely I am to bet that that person has been profoundly hurt, scarred, unwittingly changed, tortured, or abused by this life itself.

One should have one's eyes always open and be ever vigalent when entering a relationship, and always make sure that you have the right perscription glasses so you can always see clearly, and to always be honest with yourself. One should always take the signs of abusive relationships exceptionally seriously, and be ready to vacate a relationship if things go so badly that you can't communicate any problem openly with your partner without repercussions.

See Also